If alien life did suddenly cross the vast emptiness of space and make itself known to us, though, do we really think that wondering whether we can absorb them into the qualifying process for the FIFA World Cup (perhaps via a playoff with the CONCACAF runner-up) will be at the top of their agenda? And what if they’ve got three legs? Eh? Have you thought about that, Sepp...?
The upside, as far as we are concerned, would be that we might get invited to take part in a counterpart competition on the surface of Mercury, where it is marginally cooler than it is in Qatar. And if aliens do fetch up, their battle squadrons hovering in menacing low orbit over every major city in the world (and also Doha), and the chilling message is broadcast on every frequency “Take Us To Your Leader!”, do we really want to send them to this bloke...?
Actually we should. They might eat the bastard. With their three mouths. By the way, in that clip, what is that dildo doing there? Not the booby-ogling one doing the little dance, the one on the podium...?