- With England on the earliest possible plane home, thanks to Roy’s shonky tactical formation and his inexplicable fondness for Danny Welbeck, we can all now look forward to enjoying the rest of the World Cup and find someone else to support with a clear conscience. Traditionally interest in the latter stages of any tournament is fuelled by schadenfreude, which is a German word for the pleasure derived from watching anybody beat Germany. Or Argentina. Or France. Or Portugal. But let’s be positive, shall we, and so here are the Top 5 Teams You Could Support Instead of England Now England Are Out.
You could support BRAZIL, obviously. And that’s the problem, really, isn’t it? It’s just a bit obvious. Of course there’s the samba-dancing babes, and the yellow shirts, and the jogo bonito, but what are you really saying by supporting Brazil? “I know nothing about football, I’m just happy to be in the conversation.”
There’s the NETHERLANDS, or Holland as ITV are still calling them – it’s as if they’ve never even seen QI. (Did Stephen Fry die in vain?) The colour scheme is great, of course, the brilliant orange, there are some interesting cheeseboard options, and some decent lagers for the new Dutch fan to enjoy. Not to mention a relaxed attitude to other relaxing methods of relaxation. Word of warning, though - there is only one team with a worse record in penalty shoot outs, and they’re already on their way back to Luton.
COLOMBIA have a nice yellow shirt too. And becoming a Colombia supporter could make people think you are connected in some way to drugs cartels, and you might finally start getting the respect at work you so richly deserve. The downside is that it could lead to cavity searches, and nobody wants that.
COSTA RICA, why not? We drew with them, so we can almost imagine that the swathe they cut through the knockout stages could have been England’s swathe, if only... Plus it is a peaceful, cheery, ecologically sound little nation. And if you ask a Costa Rican how he is doing chances are he will reply “Pura vida!”, which means “pure life”. Which is better than “Meh, mustn’t grumble... Mind you, the cricket’s a bit shit, isn’t it?”
MEXICO. Mexico are my tip. They’re playing well, and they have lots of costume possibilities. There’s the moustache, the poncho, the wrestling mask, the sombrero, which is not only a fun signifier of your support but you can also use it to keep nachos in. You get to call people ‘gringo’ which never gets tired, and all their food sounds like swear words – Fajitas! Burritos! Chimichangas! And to top it all off, their coach is a hilarious fat maniac whose nickname is The Louse. Enjoy, gringo!